What to Do at Social Events When You Don’t Know Anyone (5 Strategies for Neurodivergent People)
- Eric Kaufmann
- Jun 18
- 5 min read
Struggling with communication skills as a neurodivergent adult?
Take our free, 2-minute quiz to find out which adult executive function skill can enhance your life most.
Thank you to our sponsors who keep this newsletter free to the reader.
Hi Friend,
When I first moved, I went to a surf movie premiere in my town. As a total surf nerd, I was excited, not just for the film, but because I hoped I might make a friend who shared my love for the ocean.
See, making new, real friends as an adult has been… harder than I expected.
Even though we were all clearly into the same thing, I found myself frozen. I know how to start conversations. I have a toolbox of openers, bridges, and even strategies to manage social anxiety. But in that moment, none of them came out…classic executive function shutdown.
I left realizing that I don't know what to do at social events when I don't know anyone.
That all-too-familiar mix of craving connection and not knowing how to make it happen.
I know I’m not the only one. Many adults—especially neurodivergent ones—struggle with the desire to connect mixed with paralysis when we try.
And the advice we often hear? It doesn’t help.
Today, I’ll share the mistakes I made and 5 strategies I now use to build meaningful connections.
Let’s dive in.
The Worst Social Advice for People with Executive Dysfunction
The advice we hear overlooks the role executive function plays in social interaction.
Here’s some of the common advice I hear that doesn’t work for most neurodivergent people.
1. “Just put yourself out there!”
This vague, cheerleader-style advice assumes that confidence is a choice you can flip on like a light switch.
In reality, it ignores the nervous system. If your body is in fight, flight, or fawn, it doesn’t matter how badly you want to connect. Your nervous system will shut down your words.
“Just go for it!” skips the prep work, regulation tools, and safe internal scaffolding we need.
2. Wait for someone else to approach.
This usually leads to waiting...forever. You have to create a tiny window and step into it. If you’re always waiting for someone else to start the conversation, it might never happen.
3. Fake it till you make it.
Masking can be helpful in certain contexts, but not when it causes intense post-event exhaustion. It usually leads to feeling drained and disconnected.
4. Go in with the goal of “making friends.”
This is the mistake I made. It sets the bar too high. If the event ends and you didn’t form a new friendship, it can feel like failure.
5. Practice scripted conversations.
While having a few conversation starters is helpful, over-preparing can backfire. Sometimes we rehearse entire imagined conversations, but real interactions are unpredictable. When reality doesn’t follow the script, it’s easy to freeze or spiral.
What to Do at Social Events When You Don’t Know Anyone
I learned a lot since that surf premiere. Things like regulating anxiety, remembering your conversation starters, or knowing when and how to initiate are key.
Now, when I go to an event and don't know anyone, I use these 5 strategies:
1. Pre-select a small goal for the event
Instead of putting pressure on yourself to “meet people” or “make a friend,” choose a single, specific social goal:
Ask one person what brought them to the event.
Compliment someone’s outfit or choice of snack.
Starting with the intention of having one meaningful moment of connection is more sustainable and self-compassionate.
2. Use the environment as a social bridge
People often struggle to initiate because nothing feels natural. A shared setting is a gift. Use what’s around you:
“Have you seen this director’s other films?”
“I’ve never been to an event like this before, have you?”
Even just commenting out loud to yourself (“Wow, this place is amazing”) can spark a connection without a formal opener.
As James Clear writes...
"Don't be the most interesting person in the room, be the most interested."
3. Rehearse low-stakes openers in advance
This reduces cognitive load and anxiety. When you already have 2–3 questions or comments ready, you’re less likely to freeze in the moment. For example:
“How’d you hear about this?”
“Are you from around here or visiting?”
Practice them out loud before the event, ideally with a mirror or friend. You can learn more about this strategy in my self-paced course.
4. Have an exit strategy
Knowing you can walk away without guilt helps you enter social spaces more confidently. Try:
“I’m going to wander a bit and check out the merch—great chatting with you!”
“It’s getting a little hot in here. I’m going to grab some fresh air.”
This gives you agency and builds confidence. You’re allowed to leave. You’re allowed to rest.
5. Don’t go alone, or don’t feel bad if you do.
If possible, attend events with one person, even if you don’t know them well. Familiarity creates a sense of grounding.
But if you do go alone (which many neurodivergent adults do!), reframe success as simply showing up. That is connection in its earliest form: connecting with the space, the art, or the community energy, even if you don’t speak to anyone.
Summary
If you desire social connection, but freeze up when the opportunity arises, I’m with you. And, I’m sure we are not alone.
Next time you’re going to a party or event, remember that socializing taps into multiple executive function skills like planning, emotional control, initiation, and cognitive flexibility.
Keep these strategies in mind:
Set a small, reasonable goal ahead of time
Use the environment as a way to build a connection
Prepare a few conversation starters
Have an exit strategy
If possible, bring one friend
I know making friends is difficult. It’s something I’ve been struggling with since I moved. That doesn’t make you weird. It doesn’t mean you will be friendless forever. Truthfully, it makes you normal.
I hope this helps you be a more confident and build a meaningful friendship soon.
In service,
Eric
P.S. Free Mini Course: Break the Procrastination Cycle
Procrastination can seriously impact your mental health, physical well-being, and financial freedom.
My free mini-course, Break the Procrastination Cycle, teaches the 4 emotions behind procrastination, how to spot them, and a proven toolkit to manage them—all in just 30 minutes
If you or someone you care about struggles with procrastination, this course is here to help.
About the Author
Eric Kaufmann is a Professional Educational Therapist and Certified Executive Function Coach. He is the Co-founder of UpSkill Specialists, an online adult executive function coaching company that guides adults in overcoming disorganization, procrastination, and productivity roadblocks so they can unlock their potential. He is also the founder of Elevate Learning Solutions, an Educational Therapy practice located in San Clemente, CA, that supports neurodivergent students in becoming independent and confident.
