What Is Wise Mind? A Tool for Emotional Regulation and Executive Function
Updated: Aug 31
Learn how to pause and make intentional decisions.
TL;DR
Wise Mind balances emotion and logic to help us make intentional choices.
ADHD and autism can make accessing Wise Mind more difficult when executive function skills are taxed.
Emotion Mind reacts. Reasonable Mind rationalizes. Wise Mind considers both.
Practice Wise Mind by pausing to consider the facts, feelings, and your values.
Ever catch one of those sublime, rare moments when you feel completely present?
We don’t think about piles of emails waiting for us on Monday morning. We don’t judge ourselves for yesterday's small mishap. We aren’t planning what to eat for dinner.
True presence.
For me, it happens while surfing.
Nothing feels forced. My emotions aren’t running the show. I’m not focused on the future.
I’m just there.
For you, maybe it was dinner with your spouse at your favorite restaurant.
A hike.
Or during a difficult conversation where you managed your emotions, said what was necessary, and came to an agreement.
Recently, my therapist friend introduced me to a DBT concept that helped me understand another version of this feeling: Wise Mind.
It’s amazing how the simple introduction of a new concept has seeped into every part of my day.
Wise Mind is the place where our emotions and logic come together. Instead of allowing either one to completely take over, we notice both and make an intentional decision.
Since learning about it, I’ve started noticing when I’m nowhere near Wise Mind and course corrected.
I’ve slowed down. Taken more pauses before reacting. And feel more at peace.
Today, I want to teach you what I’ve learned.
Let’s dive in.
What Is Wise Mind?
Wise Mind comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), developed by psychologist Dr. Marsha Linehan.
The model describes three states of mind:
Emotion Mind: Feelings and urges are running the show.
Reasonable Mind: Facts and logic are running the show.
Wise Mind: We integrate emotion and reason, along with our values and inner wisdom, to make an intentional choice.
Neither Emotion Mind nor Reasonable Mind is inherently bad.
We need emotion. We need logic. The problem comes when one completely takes over.
Emotion Mind
Emotion Mind is when our decisions and judgments are driven primarily by how we feel.
Consider Jim:
Last week, his boss sent him a Slack message: “Can we chat at 4?” with no context.
Immediately, Jim started spiraling.
Was it that mistake in my email last week?
I wasn’t prepared for yesterday’s meeting.
I was five minutes late on Monday.
He spent the next three hours preparing himself to get fired.
In the meeting, Jim’s boss said he’d be out of the office Friday and wanted to review a few things beforehand.
That’s Emotion Mind taking control.
The emotion is real. The anxiety is real. But Jim’s reaction, coming from the emotional mind, took over before he had all the facts.
Later that week, Jim saw his son’s report card, became upset, yelled, and sent him to his room.
Again, emotion took over before he could pause and intentionally choose how he wanted to respond.
Reasonable Mind
Reasonable Mind sits on the other side.
It bases decisions primarily on facts, logic, and what seems rational while giving little weight to emotions or values.
Take Mary:
Her friend excitedly tells her that she and her husband bought a new car.
Mary responds, “Why? Your old car seemed fine. New cars are so expensive.”
Technically, Mary might have a point. But she completely missed what was happening emotionally. Her friend was excited!
Later, Mary’s daughter asks to sleep at a friend’s house on Thursday for her birthday.
The family rule is no sleepovers on school nights, so Mary immediately says no.
Rule = no sleepovers. The decision was made without considering that it was her friend’s 16th birthday.
Reasonable Mind can be useful, but sometimes pure logic causes us to miss important context.
Wise Mind
Wise Mind brings the two together. We notice what we’re feeling and consider what the facts are telling us.
Then we make an intentional choice.
When Jim saw his son’s report card, Wise Mind might have looked like this:
I’m really upset right now. That’s Emotion Mind.
Yelling probably won’t help us solve this. That’s Reasonable Mind.
So instead of reacting, Jim pauses. He tells his son they need to talk about his grades and asks him to sit down before dinner.
He’s still upset, which is completely fair. Wise Mind doesn’t require him to make that emotion disappear.
It helps him choose what he does with it.
Why Can Wise Mind Be Hard for Neurodivergent Adults?
Here’s where executive function comes in.
Accessing Wise Mind asks us to do several difficult things at once:
Notice what we’re feeling.
Pause before reacting.
Hold multiple pieces of information in mind.
Consider another perspective.
Then choose an intentional response.
Those rely on executive function skills like inhibitory control, working memory, metacognition, emotional regulation, and cognitive flexibility.
For adults with ADHD, inhibition and working memory can be particularly challenging executive function skills.
That can make the pause between feeling and reacting difficult.
For some autistic adults, the challenge may look different.
Research suggests autistic adults can experience differences in working memory and cognitive flexibility. Some autistic people also experience alexithymia, which can make identifying or describing emotions difficult.
Sensory overload can add another layer.
If your environment is already overwhelming, asking yourself to calmly identify an emotion, consider the facts, think about your values, and choose a response may be asking a lot from your brain at that moment.
That’s why I don’t think Wise Mind should become another thing we’re supposed to be “good at.”
It’s something we can practice.
How to Practice Wise Mind and Emotional Regulation
It’s probably unrealistic to live in Wise Mind 24/7. We’re human after all.
But we can practice noticing our state of mind and creating a little more space before we act.
Here’s how you can practice right now. (Seriously, if you’ve read this far, you might as well play along for another few minutes.)
Grab a piece of paper and write down one problem that’s been bothering you lately.
Then walk through these steps:
1. What are the facts?
Write down what you actually know to be true.
Try to separate facts from assumptions, predictions, and stories your brain has created.
2. What am I feeling?
Write down the emotions that come up when you think about the problem.
Don’t judge them. Just name them.
If identifying emotions is difficult, an emotion wheel or Dr. Marc Brackett’s Mood Meter can give you a starting point.
3. What matters to me?
Consider your values and long-term goals.
What kind of employee, partner, parent, friend, or person do you want to be in this situation?
4. What does Wise Mind suggest?
Now bring everything together.
What does logic suggest?
What do your emotions tell you?
What aligns with your values?
Then ask:
Knowing all three, what feels like the wisest next step?
You don’t need to take action yet. That's not hte point of the exercise. The point is the practice the pause.
You’re noticing your emotions without automatically obeying them. You’re considering logic without ignoring how you feel.
That pause is how we strengthen executive function and tap into Wise Mind.
Summary: Using Wise Mind
Wise Mind isn’t about getting rid of emotions or becoming perfectly rational. It’s about learning to notice both.
When you’re facing a difficult decision:
Pause.
Identify the facts.
Name what you’re feeling.
Consider your values and long-term goals.
Choose your next action intentionally.
You won’t do this perfectly. Neither will I.
But the more often we notice when Emotion Mind or Reasonable Mind has taken over, the more opportunities we create to practice choosing differently.
If this felt difficult, I’m always here to help. You can book a no-cost strategy session with me here.
In service,
Eric
FAQs
How do you practice Wise Mind?
Practice Wise Mind by pausing before reacting and considering three things: the facts, your emotions, and your values. Ask yourself: What do I know to be true? What am I feeling? What matters most to me in this situation? Then consider what response takes all three into account. You don’t need to make a decision immediately. Simply practicing the pause can help strengthen executive function skills like emotional regulation, metacognition, and impulse control.
Can Wise Mind help adults with ADHD or autism?
Wise Mind can be a useful framework for adults with ADHD or autism who struggle with emotional regulation, impulsivity, or executive function. Instead of immediately acting on an emotion or relying only on logic, Wise Mind encourages us to pause and consider both. This can be difficult when executive function skills are taxed, so the goal isn’t to access Wise Mind perfectly. It’s to practice noticing your state of mind and making more intentional choices over time.
About the Author
Eric Kaufmann is an Educational Therapist, Certified Executive Function Coach, and speaker. He is the Co-founder of UpSkill Specialists, an executive function coaching company that helps adults and workplace teams overcome disorganization, procrastination, and productivity roadblocks.
Want to learn more about 1:1 coaching? Click here.
Interested in hosting a workshop for your team or company on how to improve executive function skills in the workplace? Click here.
Looking for guidance on how to become an adult executive function coach? Click here.
References
Counseling Center Group. (2024, March 5). Wise Mind | Counseling Center Group [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQu904FEafo
DialecticalBehaviorTherapy.com. (2024, January 31). Wise mind: DBT skills, worksheets, videos, exercises. DialecticalBehaviorTherapy.com
Kinnaird, E., Stewart, C., & Tchanturia, K. (2019). Investigating alexithymia in autism: A systematic review and meta-analysis. European psychiatry : the journal of the Association of European Psychiatrists, 55, 80–89. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eurpsy.2018.09.004
Petrovic P and Castellanos FX (2016) Top-Down Dysregulation—From ADHD to Emotional Instability. Front. Behav. Neurosci. 10:70. doi: 10.3389/fnbeh.2016.00070
