Why You Can’t Get Motivated (And What to Do About It)
- Eric Kaufmann
- Jun 19
- 7 min read
Learn why some neurodivergent adults struggle with motivation and a simple framework to make starting feel easier.
🔎 TL;DR
Most people think they have a motivation problem. They actually have a motivation diagnosis problem.
Motivation collapses when Behavior, Benefit, or Belief goes missing.
Guilt can get you moving, but it’s one of the most expensive fuels you can use.
The question that changed how I think about motivation: “Which side of the triangle is missing?”
Hi Friend,
A few months ago, I decided it was time to get serious about my finances.
I met with a financial advisor and liked him immediately. I had a strong referral for his work and knew he was the person I wanted to work with.
Then he sent me the paperwork.
And naturally, I avoided signing it for over a month.
Every week, it made its way onto my planner.
Every week, I blocked time on my calendar.
Every week, I found something else to do.
I went surfing.
I hit the gym.
I worked on my business.
Anything except reading a long document and signing my name.
I told myself I was “being productive” or “I don’t have time,” even though neither was true.
The worst part?
I wanted to work with him.
I knew it would help me.
I knew I was avoiding something important.
But every time that task showed up on my to-do list, I felt completely unmotivated.
Finally, after his third follow-up email asking if I still wanted to move forward, I did it.
Not because I suddenly felt motivated.
Not because reading financial paperwork became exciting.
It was guilt.
I realized I was leaving him hanging, hurting myself financially, and waiting for some future version of Eric who would magically feel like doing it.
Guilt is dirty fuel.
It works, but it comes at a huge cost. Looking back, I thought I had a motivation problem.
I didn’t.
I had a misunderstanding of where motivation actually comes from.
And that’s one of the most common challenges I see among neurodivergent adults.
People tell me:
“I’m just not motivated.”
“If I could figure out how to become motivated, everything would change.”
“I know what I need to do. I just can’t get myself to do it.”
The problem is that motivation is often treated like a personality trait. We assume some people naturally have it and others don’t.
But motivation isn’t something you’re born with.
And it definitely isn’t something that magically appears on command.
Motivation is information.
It’s a signal.
And when we learn how to interpret that signal, we stop trying to fix ourselves and start understanding ourselves.
Today, I want to introduce you to one of my favorite frameworks for understanding motivation: The Motivation Triangle.
Let’s dive in.
Why Am I Not Motivated? Understanding the Motivation Triangle
Many people assume motivation is tied to how important something is.
If that were true, nobody would procrastinate on their taxes, avoid difficult conversations, or ignore doctor’s appointments.
Importance alone does not create motivation.
According to Nir Eyal’s Motivation Triangle, motivation depends on three factors:
Behavior: Do I know what to do?
Benefit: Do I believe the outcome is worth the effort?
Belief: Do I believe I am capable of succeeding?
When one side of the triangle weakens, motivation disappears.
This framework is especially useful for adults with ADHD, who are autistic, or have executive function challenges, because it helps explain why we can desperately want something and still struggle to take action.
A former client of mine is a perfect example.
Ben wanted a promotion. He spoke with his manager and understood exactly what actions were required to earn it. Plus, who doesn’t love a raise?
But week after week, he wasn’t putting in the extra work to earn it. That’s because he believed his manager wouldn’t actually give him the promotion.
His manager saw this as laziness. But in reality, Ben didn’t believe getting promoted was possible.
The same thing happens when we want to exercise, save money, clean the garage, update our resume, or start a new habit.
Wanting something is not enough. All three sides of the triangle must be present.
Common Motivation Mistakes Neurodivergent Adults Make
One of the biggest mistakes I see neurodivergent adults make is trying to create motivation instead of understanding it.
We spend so much time asking, “How do I become motivated?” But the better question is, “What’s missing?”
Here are three common mistakes.
Waiting to Feel Motivated
This is probably the most common one.
We often plan to do something difficult, but important. Then, when the time comes to take action, we sing the procrastination song:
“I’ll go to the gym later.”
“I’ll do the paperwork this weekend.”
“I’ll do it after one more episode.”
We all know where this leads.
See, waiting to feel motivated doesn’t work because motivation follows action.
Waiting for motivation before taking action is like waiting to feel warm before putting on a jacket.
Using Guilt, Shame, and Self-Criticism as Fuel
Many neurodivergent adults become experts at forcing themselves through life. Sadly, this force is fueled by guilt, shame, or self-criticism.
“I should be able to do this.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Everyone else can do it.”
Sometimes this works…for a little while. But it comes at a huge cost.
Eventually, it leads to exhaustion, resentment, and burnout.
Making Goals Too Big
Most of us underestimate how hard consistency is and overestimate how much motivation we’ll have in the future. We fall for the planning fallacy and set goals for an ideal, highly motivated future self.
Then, as we begin the goal, motivation is high. However, days or weeks later, motivation drops.
The workouts stop feeling exciting.
The budget gets boring.
The novelty disappears.
This is normal. This is the middle problem.
Then, we assume something is wrong with us because we aren’t feeling motivated anymore. This is a mistake. Nothing is wrong with you. You’re experiencing the middle problem.
The people who appear motivated all of the time probably aren’t. They’ve just built systems to manage motivation as it naturally fluctuates.
The Motivation Triangle: Behavior, Benefit, and Belief
Let’s go back to my financial advisor example.
The benefit was clear: I wanted help managing my finances.
The belief was there: I trusted him and believed he could help me.
But the behavior…reading a long document while understanding financial jargon…that side of the triangle was weak.
The task felt boring, mentally taxing, and confusing.
That’s why I wasn’t motivated. That’s why I put it off for over a month.
I didn’t need more discipline. I didn’t need a better morning routine. I didn’t need a motivational YouTube video.
I needed to make the behavior easier.
Once I understood the problem, the solution became much clearer.
How to Increase Motivation When You're Neurodivergent
The next time you feel unmotivated, pause and ask yourself one question:
Which side of the motivation triangle is missing?
If behavior is weak:
Break the task into a smaller first step.
Ask someone for help.
Use a free AI tool like Magic ToDo
If benefit is weak:
Reconnect the task to your values.
Ask yourself why this matters.
Make the reward more immediate.
If belief is weak:
Look for evidence from your past successes.
Set a timer for 5 minutes and see what happens.
Reflect using these four questions to manage self-doubt.
This exercise builds metacognition and strengthens your executive function skills over time.
Instead of assuming you’re lazy, unmotivated, or broken, you become a curious scientist who is searching for answers and open to testing new strategies.
Summary: The Real Goal Isn’t Motivation
If you rarely feel motivated to do important things, you’re not broken. Most neurodivergent adults assume they have a motivation problem when, in reality, one side of their Motivation Triangle is missing.
According to Nir Eyal’s Motivation Triangle, motivation depends on three things:
Behavior: Do I know what to do?
Benefit: Do I believe the outcome is worth the effort?
Belief: Do I believe I’m capable of succeeding?
When one of those sides weakens, motivation disappears.
This is why you can desperately want something and still struggle to take action. You may know exactly what to do but doubt you’ll succeed. You may believe you’re capable but not find the reward meaningful. Or, like me with my financial paperwork, the task itself may simply feel too mentally taxing to begin.
Unfortunately, many of us respond by making things worse. We wait to feel motivated before starting, use guilt and self-criticism as fuel, or create goals so large that motivation naturally collapses somewhere in the middle.
Instead of asking, “How do I become more motivated?” try asking:
“Which side of the triangle is missing?”
If the behavior feels difficult, simplify the first step.
If the benefit feels weak, reconnect the task to your values and goals.
If belief is missing, focus on building evidence that you can succeed through small wins.
These questions won’t magically turn you into a highly motivated person. That’s not the point.
Instead, you will begin to better understand how your brain works so you can create systems that support action, even on days when motivation is nowhere to be found.
In service,
Eric
FAQs
Why do I struggle with motivation even when something is important?
Many people assume motivation is tied to the importance of a task, but that’s not how motivation works. According to the Motivation Triangle, motivation depends on three factors: Behavior, Benefit, and Belief. If you don’t know what to do, don’t believe the outcome is worth the effort, or don’t believe you’re capable of succeeding, motivation can disappear even when the task is extremely important.
Is a lack of motivation the same as executive dysfunction?
No. A person can genuinely want to complete a task and still struggle to start it. Many adults with ADHD, autism, and executive function challenges know exactly what needs to be done but have difficulty initiating, organizing, or following through. What looks like a motivation problem is often an executive function challenge or a missing side of the Motivation Triangle.
How can I increase motivation when I have ADHD?
Instead of trying to create motivation, try identifying what’s missing. Ask yourself which side of the Motivation Triangle needs attention:
Behavior: Do I know exactly what to do next?
Benefit: Do I believe the outcome is worth the effort?
Belief: Do I believe I’m capable of succeeding?
Once you identify the missing piece, you can make the task easier to start, reconnect it to your values, or build confidence through small wins. Often, motivation follows action rather than preceding it.
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About the Author
Eric Kaufmann is an Educational Therapist, Certified Executive Function Coach, and speaker. He is the Co-founder of UpSkill Specialists, an executive function coaching company that helps adults and workplace teams overcome disorganization, procrastination, and productivity roadblocks.
Want to learn more about 1:1 coaching? Click here.
Interested in hosting a workshop for your team or company on how to improve executive function skills in the workplace? Click here.
Looking for guidance on how to become an adult executive function coach? Click here.
