How to Bounce Back and Build Resilience
- Eric Kaufmann
- Aug 8
- 6 min read
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Hi Friend,
Over the past year, I’ve developed a 5-step framework for bouncing back from failure and building resilience. I teach it to all of my clients. Today, I want to share it with you.
Let's dive in...
Have you ever heard the phrase, “Every obstacle presents an opportunity”? A coach once told me those exact words after I was turned down for yet another teaching job.
Nice thought, in theory.
Really hard to apply when you feel completely stuck in life.
Getting fired.
A failed relationship.
Being late…again.
These moments feel like failure, because in some ways, they are.
Being all happy-go-lucky and thinking, “Wow! There’s an opportunity here!” feels ridiculous.
What opportunity? I’m never going to get out of this place.
My client Dave was having the same thoughts. After months of nailing his morning routine and nailing deadlines at work, he lost steam.
Hitting snooze.
Missing morning workouts.
Late on deliverables.
Unhappy mananger.
But in just one week, we got him back on track, proving he can be resilient.
If you’re autistic, have ADHD (like me), or any form of neurodivergence, I can guarantee you’ve faced moments where you need resilience. It’s in those moments that we are truly tested.
Will we bounce back, or continue to slip into our old ways?
What is Resilience?
Resilience is our ability to withstand or recover from setbacks. We can learn how to bounce back and build resilience. It's a skill. One that can be practiced and honed over time.
Resilience is rooted in the executive function skill of metacognition. Metacognition is our ability to be aware of our thought processes. In short, being able to think about our thinking.
By focusing on stronger metacognition or stronger executive function skills, as an adult, we can also build greater resilience.
People with strong metacognitive skills learn from setbacks and bounce back from failure more gracefully and more quickly.
Why is Resilience Important?
Life is full of setbacks: some big, some small. As an executive function coach working with adults with ADHD and autism, I see it often.
Clients experience win after win, hitting their goals for weeks in a row, and then all of a sudden, they feel like they’re back to zero. This is normal. There’s no way to avoid these moments in life.
Life and executive function skill development are similar. Neither is linear. Both are full of twists, turns, and steps backward. Anyone who is neurodivergent knows this to be true.
That’s why the skill of resilience is so valuable. Unquestionably, you will face adversity. In those moments, you’re either resilient and recover quickly, or you’re not, and crumble.
When we have tools and strategies to practice resilience, a few things happen:
Our mental health improves as we more easily manage stress, anxiety, and negative self-talk
We learn from experiences instead of blaming others
We have greater self-esteem
But we aren't taught these skills in school. Instead, we try to figure it out on our own and make a lot of mistakes.
What Stops Us From Building Resilience
When setbacks happen, most of us instinctively react in ways that make recovery more difficult. These reactions are usually automatic, driven by habit and emotion.
Here’s what that can look like in real life:
Trying to force through it without first practicing acceptance.
You tell yourself, “I just need to push harder” or “I can’t slow down.” But without acceptance, you’re fighting with yourself instead of working with yourself.
Beating yourself up, which fuels guilt and traps you in the Shame Spiral.
You think, “I’m so lazy,” or “I’ll never get this right,” replaying the mistake over and over. This doesn’t motivate change. It cements the belief that you can’t change.
Giving up completely, falling into all-or-nothing thinking.
You say, “I blew it, so what’s the point?” or “I’ll never be able to do this.” This closes the door on progress before you even try again.
How to Bounce Back from Failure and Build Resilience
Step 1: Practice acceptance and forgive yourself
Instead of instantly going into “I’m terrible at this” mode, pause. Say: “Okay, this happened. I’m not happy about it, but I’m human. There’s something to be learned here.”
My client, Dave, went from working out 4 times a week and meeting every deadline to skipping workouts entirely and missing key deliverables.
His first thought was, “I always do this. Why am I so undisciplined?”
We reframed it to: “I’ve gotten back on track before. I’ll figure it out this time, too.”
Step 2: Get curious...really curious
Ask, “What exactly got in my way?” Go deeper than “I procrastinated.”
Dave realized, “I didn’t start the project because I was afraid it wouldn’t be perfect, and it reminded me of the time my boss criticized me in front of the team. I also skipped workouts because I was staying up playing a new game on my phone.”
Step 3: Brainstorm your next tiny steps
When you’re stuck, brainstorm a list of potential actions. Write them down and be creative. There are no bad ideas here. This is something we talk about in my course, Plan Your Priorities.
If you're stuck, try asking yourself, "What is one action I could take in the next 10 minutes that would make this even a little bit better?"
For Dave, it was moving the new game off of his home screen and choosing one morning to go to the gym that week. He also decided to ask his coworker to help him break his next project into bite-sized steps.
Step 4: Use an “If… then…” plan
These implementation intentions help you respond automatically to obstacles. Aim for the smallest action possible.
Example: “If I start scrolling on my phone instead of working, then I’ll put it in another room for 20 minutes.”
Dave’s plan: “If I move the game off of my home screen, then I’ll get to bed earlier. If I’m too tired when I wake up, then I’ll go for a 10-minute walk after work.”
Step 5: Test, adjust, and try again
If it doesn’t work the first time, it’s not proof that you can’t do it. It's data for further learning.
Dave ended up making it to the gym twice that week and taking a 30-minute walk. That was progress, and it gave him a foothold to keep going.
Remember, if your hypothesis doesn’t work, you’re not failing, you’re experimenting. Try a simpler approach and retest.
Final Thoughts
Resilience isn’t about toughness. It's a skill, connected to our executive functions, that can be practiced and learned over time.
Over the past few years, I've researched, tested, and designed a system to turn life's obstacles into opportunities.
Here’s the 5-step process:
Practice acceptance and forgive yourself.
Get curious about what truly got in the way.
Brainstorm the smallest next step forward.
Create an “If… then…” plan.
Test, adjust, and try again.
Whether you’re working on executive function skills as an adult, managing ADHD, or navigating life with autism, keep in mind that setbacks are not the end of the road.
You can’t always control what happens, but you can control how you bounce back.
Let's get after it!
In service,
Eric
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About the Author
Eric Kaufmann is an Educational Therapist, Certified Executive Function Coach, and speaker. He is the Co-founder of UpSkill Specialists, an executive function coaching company that helps adults and workplace teams overcome disorganization, procrastination, and productivity roadblocks. Eric is also the founder of Elevate Learning Solutions, an Educational Therapy practice that supports neurodivergent students in becoming independent and confident. Book Eric to speak or lead a workshop.
