Why Do I Never Achieve My Goals?
- Eric Kaufmann
- Apr 24
- 6 min read
TL;DR: Most neurodivergent adults measure progress by how far we still have to go, not how far we’ve come. This keeps us stuck in a cycle of stress, self-doubt, and low motivation. It makes us feel like we never accomplish our goals.
In this article, you’ll learn why this “gap-focused” mindset hurts your executive function and how shifting to a “gain-focused” perspective builds confidence and momentum for achieving your goals. By the end, you’ll have a practical way to feel accomplished, stay motivated, and finally see your growth in a whole new light.
Table of Contents
Hi Friend,
Quick question for you: how do you measure personal growth?
If you’re like most neurodivergent adults (and me), you measure personal growth in two ways:
It’s all in your head and rarely written down
It’s compared to where you want to be, not how far you've come
This is natural.
But it’s also a problem.
Last week, I caught myself in this exact trap.
I finished up a productive work day, crossed off a few tasks from my list, and instead of feeling good…I immediately stressed about the things I didn’t get done.
No moment of celebration. No pat on the back. Just worrying about how much more I need to do.
As a former educator, I strongly believe in the importance of education. However, traditional education isn't perfect. And, one of its biggest drawbacks is its emphasis on "the gap".
That's the distance between where we are and where we want to be.
I felt this throughout my entire academic career.
As a child, I struggled with reading, math, and spelling. I would study hard and turn in homework on time. But, no matter what, I felt like I was failing. I always felt behind.
So, even when I got a B on a hard test or turned in an essay I worked on for days, it didn’t feel like progress. It was a reminder of how far I felt I had to go.
If you are a neurodivergent adult with ADHD or on the spectrum, you’ve been trained to live in the gap, too.
And, as you measure your progress against a hypothetical version of your future self, you never pause to feel the wins. You always feel behind. No matter how hard you try, you’re not growing fast enough.
Today, I want to teach you a new way to measure progress. One that improves our executive function and shifts our focus to the small, yet meaningful wins in our days.
Let’s dive in.
Why Focusing On The Gap Keeps Neurodivergent Adults Stuck
In The Gap and the Gain, Dan Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Hardy explain that many high achievers focus entirely on the distance between where they are and where they think they should be, and it makes them miserable.
This book could be easily rewritten with neurodivergent adults in mind.
So many of my adult executive function coaching clients focus on the gap: the space between where they are now and where they want to be.
Here’s a common example I hear:
Jim wants to lose 5 pounds before summer. After one week of dieting and exercise, he lost 1 pound. Then, his brain immediately says, “One pound in one week isn’t very much…you still have 4 more to go.”
Instead of feeling proud of his hard work, Jim focuses on the gap. This leads to...
Guilt
Shame
Lower confidence
Self-doubt
For neurodivergent adults, this mindset cripples our executive function.
Bye-bye emotional control, task initiation, and goal-directed persistence.
Instead of building momentum, we reinforce the idea that no matter what we do, we aren’t doing enough.
How Focusing on The Gain Improves Executive Function
Let’s flip this around.
When we focus on the gain, we shift our attention to how far we’ve come.
I ran one mile this week; last month, I couldn’t do that.
I actually started my laundry on Sunday; last week, I procrastinated.
I did the dishes before going to bed; I'm proud of this.
When we focus on the gain, our executive functioning skills, like metacognition (thinking about your thinking) and cognitive flexibility, expand.
Then, something amazing happens…
Our confidence grows.
Momentum and motivation build.
We learn how to recognize and celebrate the small wins.
And, it gets even better! Because focusing on the gain gets us to our goals faster.
Why?
Psychologically, you’re acknowledging positive change you created through effort, which sparks the belief that you can do more.
How the SPARK Method Helps Us Focus On The Gain
Most goal-setting frameworks unintentionally keep you stuck in the gap.
This is why SMART goals rarely work for neurodivergent brains.
They focus on the outcome.
The finish line.
The future.
They don’t include intentional, gain-oriented reflection.
Then, each week, no matter how hard you work, you continue thinking about how far you have to go. It’s exhausting.
This is where the SPARK Method shines. In SPARK, "K" stands for "keep score."
This step is dedicated to creating a powerful, recurring reflection with questions that align your thoughts with your gains, all in under 3 minutes. For example...
What went well this week?
What am I most proud of?
What do I want to continue focusing on?
This recurring pause gives you a chance to recognize your small, meaningful strides. And, as you continuously recognize your wins, you create a positive feedback loop.
Effort → progress → reflection → momentum → more effort
Summary: Stop Chasing The Gap
If we live our lives focused on the gap between where we currently are and what we want to achieve, we will never feel accomplished.
We will always feel we could have done more, are not doing enough, and have so far to go.
We were trained to focus on the gap in school. And, if you’re neurodivergent, you likely focus on the gap, not the gain, more than most.
As Dan Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Hardy explain in their book, The Gap and the Gain, when we shift our attention to the gain, the progress we’ve made, our entire outlook changes.
We begin to notice the small, yet amazing wins in our days.
We celebrate our efforts, acknowledge our progress, and feel like we are growing.
We build confidence.
We improve executive function skills.
We create real momentum.
Sadly, most goal-setting frameworks lack intentional reflection, so we rarely notice our growth.
This is why I designed the SPARK Method. Neurodivergent people need a goal-setting framework created with their uniquely wired brains in mind. The SPARK Method is it.
If you want to get a taste of what it feels like to focus on the gain, I have a challenge for you:
Pause right now and spend 30 seconds acknowledging your gain from today. Something small.
Jot it down.
Text a friend.
Or, just hold it in your mind for a moment.
Imagine how your life would change if you did this every week...
In service,
Eric
FAQs
Why do neurodivergent adults struggle to achieve their goals?
Neurodivergent adults often struggle to achieve their goals because goal-directed persistence is a complex executive function skill that requires planning, task initiation, emotional regulation, working memory, and cognitive flexibility. When cognitive load is high, it becomes difficult to hold goals, steps, and daily responsibilities at the same time, which leads to overwhelm, inconsistency, and starting and stopping.
Why don’t SMART goals work for ADHD and autistic adults?
SMART goals focus on clarity and measurability, but they don’t support planning, action, or follow-through. They don’t prepare you for obstacles, don’t include systems for consistency, and assume you will naturally stay on track. For neurodivergent adults, especially those with ADHD or autism, this creates overwhelm because cognitive load is already high, making even well-written goals easy to forget or avoid.
What is the SPARK goal-setting method, and how does it help executive function?
The SPARK method is a neurodivergent-friendly, evidence-based goal-setting framework designed to improve executive function skills and follow-through. It includes selecting a values-aligned goal, planning actionable milestones, creating a simple starting step, rigging the environment with supports, and tracking progress with rewards and resets. This system reduces overwhelm, improves task initiation, and helps build consistency and self-trust over time.
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About the Author
Eric Kaufmann is an Educational Therapist, Certified Executive Function Coach, and speaker. He is the Co-founder of UpSkill Specialists, an executive function coaching company that helps adults and workplace teams overcome disorganization, procrastination, and productivity roadblocks.
Want to learn more about 1:1 coaching? Click here.
Interested in hosting a workshop for your team or company on how to improve executive function skills in the workplace? Click here.
Looking for guidance on how to become an adult executive function coach? Click here.
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